Emery, Emery, Emery

It was a cool night in early spring, and the excitement of sneaking out to the park to see Emery seemed brand new, even though this would be our third spring together. It still felt like it was all happening for the first time. 

As usual, Emery would pick flowers for me at the first of spring, and leave them on my desk in homeroom, always with some sort of sweet little note tucked away inside, referencing the oncoming season, with it’s blossoms, sunshine, and greenery.

“Spring has sprung, and taken my heart away with it.”

I was feeling extra needy that night because I had just gotten back from a debate practice which did not go well. I knew I probably should just try to sleep, but all I could think about was being in Emery’s arms, even if it was just for a little bit of time.

When I’m in her arms, it’s like everything else in the entire world disappears, and I feel completely at peace. Her skin is soft and pink, and her arms are strong when they hold me.

As soon as we got to the park, Emery grabbed a couple of extra hoodies from her car, and we slipped them on as we walked to the swings. It still wasn’t warm enough to go without them. As we walked, I saw the slumbering flowers with their browned leaves, still waiting to return for spring. I still hadn’t received my spring flowers from Emery, which meant we wouldn’t be seeing any flowers still yet on our walk. We sat on the swings.

“So practice was no good?” She could tell by my demeanor on the drive over that this was probably true. 

“No, I just think I’m maybe getting tired of it.”

“Are you going to do it next year?”

“Don’t talk about next year.” Emery stopped swinging and peered into my eyes, smiling softly.

“It’s not going to be that bad, babe.”

“Please, Emery, I’m serious, I really don’t want to talk about it.”

“Ok, I’m sorry.” She stood up from her swing and came over to mine, grabbing the chains and stopping me mid-kick. “Come here.” 

I stood up and she pulled me in close to her. She gave me a kiss on my cheek and whispered in my ear.

“You’re so sexy.”

She kissed me again on my lips, harder this time. My legs were weak and I wanted to sink into her arms more and more. She pulled away and whispered to me again, even though there wasn’t anyone else around. “There’s no one in the world like you.”

Perhaps she said this to make me feel better about next year, when she will be leaving me and going off to college. Who knows where. And I’ll be here still, for my senior year of high school.

We have talked about it a lot already, and we’ve both said we want to stay together, but I’m so afraid that she’s going to go off and forget all about me. What if she meets someone else there and likes them better?

Emery and I have been together for three years, but sometimes it seems like less because it’s only been one year, this year, that we have actually been open about our relationship. The first two years, we kept it a secret from everyone except a couple of our closest friends. But then another girl on the basketball team saw some texts from me to Emery while they were at summer camp, and I guess she just spilled the news to the whole team. Now, I’ve suddenly gone from shy volleyball girl to girlfriend of one of the most popular varsity basketball players.

The transition was weird, to say the least. All the students gawking at me, whereas last year no one even batted an eye. Now I see eyes all over and hear whispers all around me.

“Did you know she was gay?”

“I heard they’ve been hooking up since Christmas.”

“She does not deserve Emery.”

I had no idea people had so many opinions about me! I guess that’s what happens when you go from no one, to number one lesbian in the school.

Hey, I’m not trying to brag, but I definitely think that Emery is the sexiest girl in the whole school, followed by me. And together, we make a Sexy Super-Couple. Emery, captain of girls basketball, and me, captain of the Debate team (maybe next year, hopefully!). The envy of the entire school. Boys want us, girls want to be us.

At first, Emery wasn’t ready to come out to her parents, or to any of her friends. We had to sneak around a lot of the time. It was fine by me, because I wasn’t quite ready for the whole school to know that I was gay either.

A few of my friends knew I was gay last year, but it wasn’t something we talked about to anyone outside of our social circle. It’s not that I was hiding it, I just didn’t want to have to deal with explaining myself to people, especially people I don’t know very well. You never know how someone is going to react when they find out. Some people are against it, too, so there’s always that to worry about.

We sat there for a while that night, cuddling and talking. As the evening went on, the mood seemed to change a little bit. Even though Emery was hugging me, giving me compliments and kisses, I was still starting to notice a distance between us that seemed to be growing. It was weird. It felt like my worries about the upcoming year were eating away at me more and more, even though we continued to reassure each other that we wanted to stay together.

The excitement of spring was coming upon us, and school would be over in just a couple months. There was a buzz of energy attempting to emerge from inside of me that was dampered by something unintelligible. I doubled down on my mental commitment to Emery. All I had to do was keep faith in our relationship, right?

If only my anxious mind would just chill out, everything would be fine. We could be having the time of our lives. We are having the time of our lives, when I am not worrying. Emery is almost finished with basketball as soon as regionals finish up, and even though I'll still have debate until May, we will have plenty of time to hang out.

Emery finished most of her credits during fall semester, but she had to take at least a half schedule to stay in basketball. Her schedule is so light right now that she has been taking me to and from school, debate practice, dates, social events- wherever we are going. I haven't had to drive my own car for like three weeks, except to go visit my Aunt last weekend.

I keep having to stop myself from thinking about how it won't be like this at all next year. How Emery will be away somewhere, and I'll be back all on my own again, driving myself to all my practices, only seeing Emery on the weekends. Is this the honeymoon we are on now, and the real challenges of a marriage are next year?

I think about how we aren't actually married, how we're both still very young, and how either one of us could still leave at any point. I think about how badly I don't want this to happen.

I push the thought away and try to focus on the amazing time we are having in this moment, while we still can be together so much.

"Down for a nap in the car?" She asks.

"Sure."

""Great. I'm getting sleepy. We can shower at school before my morning practice. Just text your mom when we wake up that I picked you up for school."

This wasn't a new thing. And it was becoming more and more frequent. This year, Emery's parents sort of stopped caring if she slept at a basketball friend's house on school nights. It started when a sleepover was allowed after a late night game, since they had practice early in the morning. Emery convinced her parents she was old enough to care for herself, and that it was more convenient for her to stay at her friends and carpool in the morning.

That was the story. In reality, Emery and I camped in her car at Eagle State Park, just outside of town. Curled up together in the back of her SUV, I felt so safe with her inside her two-person sleeping bag. We did it again the following weekend after another late game, and then again last week just because we wanted to. Now, here we were again, climbing into the backseat.

The first time Emery and I were together was my freshman year, in the springtime. I had been to several parties with the volleyball team in the fall where we saw lots of jocks and other popular kids, and I remember seeing her at a couple of them. I thought she was so gorgeous. I didn't try to talk to her at first, but after a while my curiosity got the better of me.

She was a sophomore so I wasn't too afraid, just a normal amount of nervous. I think it was after winter break when I finally talked to her. I remember there was snow on the ground. I guess after that time she figured out what I was after, because the next time I saw her at a party, she talked to me a lot.

I had no idea what was going on, or what she was up to. She wasn't drinking, and I had only had a couple drinks myself. She asked me if I needed a ride home, and I said sure. Instead, what happened was, we ended up making out in her car, and then she took me home with her. Her parents were out of town at the time.

The rest is sort of history. We started hanging out quite a bit and became best friends. Everyone just thought we were really good friends. No one knew what was going on at our sleepovers.

It sucked when Emery told her parents. They ended our sleepovers, and tried to end our relationship. Now, we have to sneak around, but in a different way.

As we drifted off to sleep, I clutched Emery's waist. Our legs intertwined. I thought about dropping out early. I thought about just getting my GED and moving out with Emery when she leaves, following her where ever she goes. I thought about staying in school next year, pushing myself to get to Nationals in Debate, finishing out my volleyball career again on varsity, and figuring out where I want to go to college at. None of the options seemed good.

I just wanted things to stay exactly as they were, in that moment.